Yes! No. Maybe?

Our Gateway Woods consultation prompted a phone call to Cradle of Hope, an adoption agency from Maryland with an adorable listing....twins that wedged their way into my heart and onto my prayer list. I spoke with a social worker named Chris, mentioning that I had previously inquired about the listing and asked if they were still available for adoption.

"I haven't received a single inquiry about these two," he replied.

My heart broke. My initial discovery of Edmond and Edina happened weeks, almost two months before. They were perfect and yet nobody thought so....except me. I knew this meant a couple of things.

First, I realized, with new understanding, how difficult placing orphans must be. Chris suggested some may have been deterred because there were two of them. He also suggested that the age of the twins, 5 1/2, could be a factor in the difficult placement.

"Oh, Edmond and Edina!" I wanted to tell them, "You are not unwanted!"

Then I realized that this may just be God making a way for Edmond and Edina to be placed in the perfect family for them....OURS. Waves of excitement, relief, reluctance, love, and fear washed over me. Was God going to place these two in our family?!?! Were we ready for this?

Yes!

No.

Maybe?

I kept in touch with Chris, passing along information about our family and situation so he could give us an idea if this match had potential. Countless e-mails sent back and forth finally eluded to positive feedback from Chris and Cradle of Hope. As soon as our home study was complete, they would officially match our family with the twins and begin the international documents!

Just as my initial response evoked many emotions, so did our wait. Should we tell the kids? How do we pray? Could I picture them at my supper table, chiming in on our crazy family dinner conversations?

Yes!

No.

Maybe?

My heart wanted to invest, but my brain told me to, "...hold off." I would begin to play out scenarios in my head that always began with, "Well, when we have two more kids, we'll...." and would always end with, "Stop. They aren't yours," followed by a schizophrenic prayer about Edmond and Edina. I know God has processed those completely and perfectly, but probably chuckled at my reluctance and rephrasing on hundreds of occasions.

We continued forward in our part, collecting documents, sending e-mails, praying, praying, praying. At one point, Cradle of Hope asked for a finance plan on our adoption. How were we going to pay for this? Did we have support from others? So, we studied the costs outlined in their documents and devised a plan from our savings account.

But we were short. Adopting two kids instead of one added costs that we had not counted.

We knew that God could provide. He would provide. But how do you say that on paper? We asked Chris that question and he said he would need evidence of support. We decided to share with our pastor this crazy plan laid out before us and see where he would suggest we begin in covering the difference for our financial plan.

We thought maybe he'd just sign off and say, "Sure. Tell him you'll have support!" And then later help us figure out a way for fundraising. But he didn't. He said, "You need to share this with the church. Get a presentation ready...we have an opening three weeks from now during an evening service."

Gulp.

Our kids weren't even convinced we were serious about adopting (because we had been so reserved in our communication about being matched...it wasn't official yet!) and now we needed to share with our church?!?!

We didn't feel ready. We didn't feel qualified. We didn't feel like the timing was right. Good thing God doesn't push us to do things that "feel" right.

We discovered that first, laying out our journey was a blessing to us. We created a Power Point presentation with pictures detailing God's hand in our adoption process so far. We counted our blessings. God had been with us. This reminder gave us confidence that he was involved in every detail...even in our presentation before the church. Second, we were reminded that although adoption is an unsure process, it is okay...even good, to be transparent with people. We so wanted that in our presentation. We wanted our church family to know our struggles and hesitations, our yes, nos, and maybes. We wanted our church family to know how heavily we relied on Hebrews 11. We wanted our church family to know that he does not call the equipped, but equips the called. Confidence in our adoption story was gaining and we were excited to share.