Monday, January 27, 2014

An Unexpected, Sad Twist

Every award winning story contains an extraordinary, unexpected twist. Well, we've hit ours and it plays on our worst fear.

We hadn't heard much from our agency for about a month, so we decided we'd touch base with them after the holidays. Turns out, we didn't have to. They called us.

They wanted a formal discussion about the Ghana program in general. Yes, we could do that. We scheduled a call with them on the day we headed to Indianapolis for our fingerprinting appointment, necessary for international adoption.

Cradle of Hope had bad news.

In the preceding week, they discovered discriminatory evidence pointing to the corruption of the orphanage director on whom they relied for the entire Ghana program. The news devastated the agency and they wanted to inform all families in the program to see what kind of reaction it would generate. Our hearts sank into our stomachs. Was this really happening?

They told us to think and pray about what we might want to do going forward. We clicked "end" and both took a deep breath. What were we supposed to say? What were we supposed to do?

Moving forward with our adoption of Edmond and Edina meant likely more corruption, more money, and an uncertain outcome. The agency emphasized the breach of trust blew holes in the program's integrity in general. If he lied about one aspect, did he lie about how he acquired the orphans? Was he caring for them as advertised? Would he make good on future promises?

Terminating interaction with this corrupt director meant terminating our dream of including Edmond and Edina in our family. Tears came.

Angry tears. One man's corruption shattered the future of dozens of orphans and a few families like ours waiting to love them. The plight of orphans in the world took on a different shade that day. A dull, gray shade. Millions (yes, millions) of orphans never see the hope of a family because of corruption in their communities and in our world.

Sad tears. Spiritual investments on behalf of Edmond and Edina were in full swing. Hundreds of intimate prayers connected our souls to the plight of these two orphans. Severing our hopes of ever meeting the precious faces we invested so heavily in, tore my heart. Would I never squeeze Edmond's hand on my way into the grocery store just to say "I love you"? Would I never tell Edina a made-up "Princess Edina" story to help her settle down for sleep?

Uh. This is what a broken heart feels like.

Tim and I consistently prayed throughout our adoption process that honesty would prevail and corruption would have no place in welcoming an orphan into our family. This development was difficult to navigate. We really, really did not want to work with a corrupt man. But we really, really wanted Edmond and Edina to join our family. After some discussion, we decided that we would lean heavily on what the agency recommended for us. We have no experience with international adoption and they've had decades. If they thought we could manage a road of corruption, we may attempt it. If not, we would stop pursuing this route.

We called them about a week later to touch base. They asked what we were thinking. We told them, "We aren't even sure what to think." We asked them what they would do if they were us, lined up to adopt two kids from this orphanage?

They said, "Run."

They explained again that trust had been broken and moving forward could be unpredictable and precarious and my cost us unnecessarily only to be devastated in the end with empty arms.

It was decided. We would terminate our connection with that orphanage. They explained that Edmond and Edina would be removed from foster care without our support and placed back into the orphanage indefinitely.

I wanted a good-bye hug. I wanted closure. There was none.

After much thought I realized, in a way, I didn't have to say goodbye. My prayers before that day were heartfelt and heard (and I believe answered!). My prayers going forward would be just as effective. Although Edmond and Edina will likely never be in my direct care, I can spiritually continue to invest in them.

So I am. Praying for God to intervene in their lives. Ultimately praying that they will have a family. Praying for full bellies. Praying for the living word of God to sink into their hearts. Praying against trafficking. Praying against abuse. Praying for a hope and a future.

Tim and I talked about our part in all of this. Perhaps our very prayers against corruption uncovered the crooked ways of this orphanage director. Perhaps our prayers saved the futures of other would-be-orphans. I trust that this turn in events IS an answer to prayer.

A very hard answer.

Please, please, please pray for our family. When we told the kids, they were crushed. Through tears Jackson had to say, "I just thought Edmond was going to be my brother." We did too, bud. We did too.

We are all very, very sad.

Starting again seems daunting. But we will. Cradle of Hope has already suggested we move into their Uganda program. They even have a sibling set of three waiting to be adopted (they must think we are INSANE). However, we are hesitant to move forward with an agency associated with so much heartbreak. We have a few other connections with other agencies that are possibilities for adoption in other African countries. We are making those phone calls and trying to decide what is next for us. We need prayers for discernment and direction.

Since receiving this devastating news, a scenario plays out in my head over and over again and it brings  my heart much hope. I see myself in that Haitian orphanage we visited in the summer of 2012. I imagine hugging a set of twins, overjoyed to learn I could adopt them. Then, in this picture, a worker comes in as I am packing them up and says, "There was a mistake, these two aren't up for adoption! I'm  so sorry!" Then she points to another pair of orphans. "But, these two are...Would you be interested in them instead?" Of course! And I would adopt the other orphans instead, and life would be blessed and full with those two. This vision helps to heal my broken heart.

Yes, we will continue in our story. An orphan (or two....or three?!?!) out there in the world is depending on us to push through this. The unexpected twist in our story brings us to tears, but provides even more purpose and resolve to help those in distress.

What should probably make us scared to move forward has bolstered our faith in the only One we can trust in this process. God is faithful. So we will be too. Our faith continues to grow in this determined state. We depend more than ever on the author of our story. We cling to Scripture like Deuteronomy 31:8. We continue to say, "Thank you for this refining process."

As for our story, this crazy twist should pump out a real page-turner with a fantastic ending....right?

Monday, January 6, 2014

Combatting Fear in the New Year

I don't have much to share except: I'm scared. The thought of this new year seems too big to me. I have no idea what's in store come next December.

What if this all falls through and our emotional and monetary investments seem wasted? What if Edmond and Edina come and we don't adjust well or parent well? What if our biological kids revolt?!?

Ah! I'm scared.

I decided that before I was transparent with you here, I would be transparent with God. He lead me to Ephesians 5:15-16 and reminded me to, "Be very careful, then, how you live- not as unwise but as wise, making the most of every opportunity..."

Even though I'm scared, I want to make the most of this opportunity (and I do feel like we are being wise, even though some people may question our barometer for wisdom!). I guess that's why I choose to blog my thoughts throughout this process. Tim and I are passionate about orphans and sharing here has proven quite the open door to show how ordinary people can play a part. But writing here makes me scared too. The world-wide web spotlights my fears and throws them on a platform. Yikes!

Tim and I viewed a sermon a while back featuring Francis Chan sharing insight over Psalm 23. It spoke to me in my fear and reminded both Tim and I why it makes more sense to go ahead with this than to hold back. We watched it again on Sunday, and I knew I wanted to share it with you!

If you are snowed in like I am and have a little spare time, I highly recommend watching Francis share his thoughts on Psalm 23. This scripture generates confidence and peace in situations that call for fear and anxiety.

Confidence and peace. Yes, I'll take that over fear any day! "Hi-Ya!" (That's me karate-chopping fear in the face! I'm fighting it Karate Kid style because I've been cooped up for a looooooong time with a Karate Kid marathon on TV. Wow. Cabin fever is setting in, folks.)

That's where I'm at. If you think about it and want to, you can pray for me and for us. Specifically that we would have peace and confidence in this process. We have watched God answer so many prayers! I trust He will answer these as well.

Maybe I can share more about ways we've been blessed and encouraged during the Holidays in a later post. God is THE great shepherd and we have much to share!

Anyway, here's the video. Warning: it's a world rocker!  Click here to view Francis Chan's sermon, "The Lord is My Shepherd" The preaching starts at about minute 18 (but the stuff before is good too).



This is what snowed in looks like for us! I'm calling it our very own "Snoceanfront property."